God the way he smiles makes me so upset and happy, I just want him to like me. I know he won’t. I don’t want to finish breaking bad with him, after that ends i don’t know if i’ll be able to talk to him again. I’m just sad, I want him to like me. He’s got a girlfriend, but he doesn’t seem too interested with her. He keeps trying to set me up with his best friend who also wants to f*** me. I don’t want to f*** this guy, I only want to f*** him. I want him so bad, I wanna cuddle with him. I want him to pet my head and smile at me like he likes me or something.
One time he kept giggling and wouldn’t tell me why. I pressed so many times then he laughed and said ‘it’s just you’re so beautiful’ and my heart stopped. I felt the butterflies happen again like when I kissed him on the cheek the first time. He just wants me for my body, which is going away. I’ve gained so much weight in the past month and im afraid i’m gonna loose him too. I hate that he’s so shallow and doesn’t like my personality. I hate that I care so much about my body and figure now. I wish he wanted me.
Also this a guilt because I have a f****** boyfriend and I want a guy who has a girlfriend and doesn’t even want me. I hate that I want him, I hate that i j******* to him all the time. I hate I day dream about us living together. I hate myself a lot and i’m so guilty and upset. i know if i break up with my boyfriend that i’ll kill him, i’ll loose a good friend, i’ll loose someone i love. I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m feeling like I love someone else and that in itself is enough to kill my boyfriend. He said if he ever thinks about me sleeping with someone else it makes him sick to his stomach. I’m a terrible person. I’m sorry.
