I am a boy. Born in a middle class family. Single child. Not so socially active since birth. Very introvert. Very Good in studies (Even topped in one of the National Level Exams). Above average looking. Self centered , only my parents matter to me. Careless, always late to places. Believe in god but don’t offer prayers regularly. Ignore people, dont pick calls generally. dont want to talk to people much, thinking they will spoil my personal life. Actually dont want anyone to come into my personal space except parents. For two years have developed this feeling of self belief that i am not that bad, but this annoying feeling keeps coming. I am a pervert to the core. Because of this, i am not able to cope up with the moving world. I am well established because of good studies but am not happy to the fullest although having everything i ever wanted. I have had many instances i remember. Have cried alone in front of god, too much guilt and regret feelings are there.
1) I was some 6-8 years old. One small girl of less than 3 years may be lived near our house. She once came with her mother. Everyone was on the roof. the girl asked for some water. I came along with her. Took a glass of water and told her that i will give it to her only when she undresses her pants. She did and left crying
2) I was about 11-12 years. One elder cousin from village has started living with us because of lack of facilities in her village. I many times saw her bathing through the peep hole in the door of the washroom. She once caught me, but didn’t tell parents.
3) I once touched thigh of one maid in our house while saying some joke and she understood why i touched her
4) Then there was this girl of 14-16 years age from village who along with her family have started living with us to take care of our grandfather who was old as my both parents are working. She was the girl with whom i tried all fantasies i had in my life. I was preparing for entry level exam after passing my 12th. Oral s** was an everyday affair then. I would call her for making tea and undress her and do oral s** with her. She wud say no many times but i forced. This went on for a year or so. Then i left for college and wud return in vacations. This thing continued for one more year in vacations.
5) Then i got into a long distance relationship with another girl. We started talking a lot on phone. Some night after 8 to 9 months, i asked her to send me nudes. She did. Then this continued for a year. Then i went to meet her to her city. We took a room. i said no but she was h****. She undressed. We did body to body. Saw her naked. Then these meeting continued for two years or so. I was in love with this girl but also did these s** things with her. Once had oral s** for some time.
Then i got a job. She came to my place in my house. This is where we had unlimited oral s**. She even didnt say no.
After 6- 7 months, i was transfered to head quarters because of good performance in job. She came there during her birthday week. This time the oral s** crossed all limits. But i never did anything more than that.
But then our differences crept in due to long distance. I wanted to marry her but she delayed. I made her meet my parents but both my parents and her disliked each other a lot. Apart from my differences, this new feature came in my life. I tried solving this but couldnot as ego clashes were high.
So, finally i bid good bye to her and said i dont want to be with you.
After my breakup, i had visited some 20 call girls and have s** with them.
Apart from this angle, i am good guy i guess. I try to help people and want to guide juniors. I am simple living person. No drinking, no smoking. But these regrets just kill me and dont allow me to get up and do something for me or the society.
Can anybody help me recover.
