• 7 years ago
  • 213 Views

My father was a sociopath and a p********, and so I was exposed to s***** ideas way too early and in the worst categories. From a really young age I’ve had the most embarrassing, sick fantasies at random times, and I’m working hard to get over a 6-year-long p*** addiction because it’s ruining any respect I could ever have for myself. I just need to say this anonymously first before I’m able to say it to someone face-to-face: I want to feel pure and honest about s**. I want it to be a loving thing in my heart, not something I remember and continue to think of as selfish, life-consuming, and demonic. I’m working hard to change, to let go of the past, to become a woman I can be proud of, to not let him win my life. But I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job, that even though I’m trying, my efforts aren’t worth anything because I’ve already defined myself as a person with horrible thoughts & habits (I’ve NEVER intentionally hurt anyone, s******* or otherwise, only in my head).
I want to be free of this. I want to embody this idea I keep telling myself: that it isn’t where we come from or the mistakes we’ve made that define us, but how we move on and learn from them. So I’m trying not to let myself get sucked in to the same old habits, the same old fantasies, just because no one but me can see them — because I’m realizing that what matters is I see them, and that I carry them like lead weights throughout my life. I don’t want to lie and keep this secret side of myself. It doesn’t belong with the rest of me. I may not be the best person alive, but I intend to be strong and move beyond this once and for all. I’ve made some bad choices. I’ve sunk to some low lows, but I’m not going to be the same as him. I’m going to end the cycle of self-hatred that turns to abuse of others.
I just need to say it all here, for someone to know this is going on, because for years it’s been a horrible secret. I forgive myself for having bad thoughts, for letting parts of my life slip by, and I will win against this. This is my promise to myself: I will value own my life, my loves, and my body. And he is only a memory that makes me stronger, more compassionate.

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