I awoke this morning to some tears in my eyes. At first I was confused, then I was frightened by the reason why. It rushed to the front of my memories as a foretold future of an alternate universe I feared. I slowly closed my eyes to visualize the very dream that shattered my world. I was at the bar like any other week, just laughing and having fun. The scenery reminded me of Babycakes but had no real sense of the audience that usually frequented the area. Within this vision I hear a familiar laughter I knew all too well, the slight high pitched tingle always rang in my ears, creating a reaction to turn my head ever so quickly. There it was, there was the face I had come to know and love so much as family. Merely smiling and laughing, but it was who he was smiling and laughing for, as his arm draped over a blurred persona, unmistakably a male persona nonetheless. My heart raced and cracked all in once rush. It hurt too much to look, but it hurt more to ignore. Some guy, beyond me had made my best friend laugh and feel loved. I wanted him to be happy but I felt like a part of my life had vanished. I awoke once again to more tears and it felt like I needed to just make it all stop. I knew then, that I was self harming and in a close sense of depression. I had dreams before of my best bud in love with the girl of his dreams, and it truly always made me smile, this was not one of those. Am I that alone and afraid to lose his attention? I need to reset and restart, where he and I can both be free from my hazardous lifestyle, if I could not be happy for him in a dream, how could I accept it in reality without destroying our friendship.
Leave a Reply